Rejection, diversity and mental health - we need to talk

Rejection hurts, talking about it can be even more painful but it might be the only way for people from diverse communities to help each other.

I write about diversity in the media industry and regularly talk to friends about the prejudices we face.

Even if some of us do not know the exact figures we all know the overall picture.

Women, Black Asian and Minority Ethnic (BAME) and Disabled people are less likely to be hired, there are fewer women in management positions, we all experience pay gaps compared to our white male counterparts and we are more likely to lose our jobs.

We know this in the abstract. We all know the general picture.

But if the general figures are correct then my BAME, disabled and women friends are facing rejection on an enormous level. We are facing rejection at job interviews. We are facing rejection when it comes to promotions. We are facing rejection when we ask for pay rises. We are facing rejection when we are simply trying to hang on to our jobs.

But despite this we rarely talk about our own personal experiences of rejection, not even to each other and definitely not publicly.

Now there will be some who will say that everyone suffers from rejection regardless of diversity. That is true. But the statistics around glass ceilings and the higher number of BAME people leaving the media industry, despite the industry growing as a whole, points to something quite different than just normal rejection.

I have never talked about my own personal experiences of rejection. Despite all my numerous blog posts I have never once written about the job interviews I have been to and failed. I have never once talked about the fact that one of the key reasons I have run seventeen marathons, and counting, is to deal with rejection and disappointment.

Every person I know from a diverse background has their own coping strategies – some more healthy than others.

But today I want to break that silence – not just for myself but for all diverse people in the industry.

And it is all because of two tweets I recently read.

A few weeks ago Aaqil Ahmed, the former head of BBC Religion, posted two tweets in response to a message about the low number of BAME representation on FTSE boards:

“Problem is - when headhunters approach someone like me they say you would be brilliant, I rarely get an interview and 9/10 the company go with the usual suspect. It’s not that they don’t get it it’s that they are risk averse and too monocultural in thinking, even media companies.”

“It’s the leap to have you on the board involves different thinking on their part and now I rarely even say yes to an approach unless I really really fancy it. I can’t be bothered now going through the process when I know the usual outcome.”

Those two tweets spoke to me. They told me I am not alone.

They told me another person of colour is tired of “going through the process” when he knows it will almost certainly end in rejection (nine times out of ten). That when it comes to one aspect of career progression at least, getting onto a FTSE board, he has literally given up on the process of putting himself forward.

But most importantly his two tweets gave me comfort. These were not abstract numbers about discrimination. This was personal.

I then had a private conversation with Aaqil and thanked him for his tweets – and we discussed not only how it affects us but also our relationships of those closest to us. For example my wife and family are incredibly supportive but work rejection can take its toll on even the strongest bonds. 

Aaqil’s tweets were a rare exception – normally we don’t talk about the personal rejection we all suffer and I think that might be for a number of reasons:

Discussing it can strip away our last layers of pride and self-esteem which we so desperately hold on to.

We worry that talking about how other people have rejected us in the past might lower our value to prospective employers (and people whose approval we want) in the future.

But possibly most of all it is just too painful to discuss head on.

Nothing can protect you from that pain of rejection. If you are going for a job you must by definition open yourself to the possibility of being successful (if you don’t there really is not point in applying) but the very act of opening yourself up to that possibility means you are open to the pain that invariably goes along with it.

And that pain can have real effects on your mental health.

A study by Columbia University Mailman School of Public Health’s Department of Epidemiology revealed that women who suffer from a gender pay gap are 2.5 times more likely to suffer from depression. 

Another study by Cornell University’s College of Human Ecology in 2017 showed a clear link between being the victim of racial discrimination at work and a range of mental health issues.

But there is one way we can lessen the effects of rejection, racism, ableism, sexism and other forms of prejudice, and that is just to start talking about it. Simply talking to friends about the problems you are facing, about the rejection you are suffering, and sharing common experiences has been shown to help mental health in study after study.

Setting up support groups at work, listening openly to other people who have suffered discrimination, and most importantly validating other people's experiences by being honest about your own situation all helps.   

So from now on I am going to try and be more open and honest about my experiences in the media industry. And just how Aaqil helped me, I hope I can help others (as well as myself).